A Guide to Ireland for Foreigners (absolutely factual !!).xa0
And now for something completely different.
The text below was sent to me from Stormont by an MLA (who shall remain nameless) who treasures his sense of humour which successful operations have failed to remove. So, the only treatment left for him is that he serves out his time at the helm of central government. (Not a pun on sinking ships!)
Now we know why tourism in the North is lagging.
God help us all!!
* * *
Ireland is an island off the west of Britain, but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland –xa0not the Irish mainland, but the British mainland.
The capital of Ireland is Dublin, with a population of 4,000,000, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon.xa0 They travel to Newry because it is in The North, which is not part of Ireland, but you can pay in Euros.xa0 Many shops in Newry (which is in Great Britain) have a sign which reads: “Sterling also accepted”.
Under the Irish constitution, The North used to be part of Ireland, but an unsuccessful 30-year campaign of violence ensured that it is now definitely in the UK.xa0 If the campaign had lasted any longer, it might now be in France.
Belfast is the capital of xa0The North with a population of 500,000, half of whom own houses in Donegal.xa0 Donegal is in the north, but not in The North.xa0 It is in The South –xa0not the south but The South.
There are two parliaments in Ireland.xa0 The one in Dublin is called The Dail, an Irish word meaning: a place where bankers receive tax-payers money.xa0 The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an old Anglo-Saxon word meaning ‘placebo’ or ‘deliberatley ineffectual drug’.
The respective jurisdictions are defined by the border: an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump their chemical waste.
Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for the Catholics who oppose the border.
Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only place in the world with two M1 motorways.xa0 The one in The North goes west to avoid The South, and the one in The South goes north to get to the shops in Newry.
There are two types of democracy in Ireland.xa0 Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then the government decides if the result is correct, and if not: they just hold another one.xa0 Twice in recent years, the government decided that the people hadn’t got it right the first time, and ordered another one.xa0 Belfast democracy is different.xa0 It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right
Ireland has three economies: Northern, Southern and Black.xa0 Only the Black is in the black; the other two are in the red.
(NOT SUITABLE READING FOR PROFESSORS OF LOGIC OR SMALL CHILDREN)
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