Helen Hasting’s life has changed since she took in a cudly cat
Earlier this year I decided to finally give in and fully embrace the single lady lifestyle.xa0I took a deep breath and journeyed towards the holy grail of single status, yup you guessed right, I got a cat. But no one told me that I was going to get an existentialist crisis as well writes Downpatrick woman Helen Hastings.
I meet Patti’s foster carer at a hallway point and drive home as if I am ferrying a giant consignment of diamond encrusted eggs.xa0 ‘It’s going to be ok’ I said in response to her quiet little cries from the backseat but really, I was talking to myself.
My heart was beating out of my chest and I was cold all over but I didn’t understand why.xa0 I love cats and now I was bringing home my very own little furry friend who didn’t care about how I looked and didn’t question who I spoke to (unless it’s another cat)
I got home with Patti – who owns more furniture than a Harvey Normans – and started arranging her climbing tower and various furry beds.xa0I put out the finest of cat food, deployed her litter tray and then with a deep breath I opened the door of the cat carrier.xa0 ‘Welcome home!’xa0 I said, my arms flung wide.xa0Patti hissed loudly and hid behind the sofa.
This goes on for several days.xa0Patti behind the sofa, me cowering in the bedroom drinking wine and crying.xa0‘The whole house has changed’ I bemoaned down the phone to my best friend ‘I don’t know this place anymore’
‘For God’s sake Helen, you are totally overthinking this’ my friend retorted ‘Leave the food down and just ignore the cat, she won’t stay behind the sofa forever.’
Patti only comes out in the early hours to scream the house down ‘I hate you’ say the screams of anguish. ‘You aren’t capable of loving me and now I’m doomed to live my life behind the sofa’ It’s fair to say that the early hours and the insomnia induced panic were leading me down some pretty deep-thinking roads.
One morning she disappeared completely and I couldn’t find her anywhere. I was certain that she had taken herself off forever disgusted by this human being who couldn’t love her.
‘I have failed her!’xa0 I shrieked at 5am ‘I’m a stupid old bitch who doesn’t have the capacity of looking after anything, no wonder she’s gone packing’ I tormented myself for hours visualising her wondering the wilds alone for all eternity because she was so turned off humans by this absolute disaster of a woman who eats coleslaw at midnight straight from the tub and calls it dinner.
Luckily the crisis was averted when she magically reappeared back behind the sofa.
I spend several days in a strange kind of post-natal kitty depression. I don’t know myself anymore and question my capacity to love and nurture anything apart from cheese and my ridiculous collection of weird lamps.
The days turn into weeks.xa0Patti starts to come out from behind the sofa and make peace with her new surroundings.xa0She’s gorgeous.xa0Calico and white, she looks like she has been hand painted and her eyes are the palest translucent shade of green like a pure jade
She sashays through my house and makes everything look glamourous (seriously she could be in a Sheba commercial)xa0 I should be in love but I’m not.xa0 The weight of responsibility, of keeping another creature alive weighs upon my shoulders like an entire ocean.xa0I am quite frankly finding this whole experience one of the most overwhelmingly terrifying and depressing episodes of my entire life.
I stop thinking of her as cat and start thinking of her as a strange woman who has entered my house and is watching and judging my every move.xa0I feel sad every morning when I wake up and decide it can’t go on.
‘I’m rehoming her!’xa0I say defiantly to a friend.xa0 I can’t have her in my life anymore and I’m clearly a disaster’
My friend takes a long deep breath and stares thoughtfully into the middle distance.xa0I hate it when she does this because it usually means that she’s going to tell me a truth that I don’t want to hear.
‘She’s your shadow animal’ she says confidently ‘All pets come into our lives to teach us something’
‘Well, what’s she trying to teach me? How to be an expert at hiding in my bedroom and drinking wine?’
‘No, she’s trying to heal parts of you that you don’t want healed.xa0You need to think about what they could be’
My friends’ words seem to echo in the very chambers of my heart.xa0 She’s right.xa0 I spend the next few days mindfully going about my business in the house.xa0 Patti now fully confident, sits on the window sill making the place look gorgeous.xa0 She blinks slowly at me with her incredible eyes, all initial fear of me gone.
This creature trusts me, she might even like me?xa0 She’s been here for a month now and I’ve kept her alive and there’s been no major disasters.xa0Maybe I’m more responsible and competent than I give myself credit for.
And all of a sudden there it is!xa0My friends’ words come back to me ‘she’s trying to heal the parts of you that don’t want healed’
I have always been wary of commitments, terrified of walking any path that may take away my freedom.xa0 I have only ever really known myself as Helen the chronically single woman.xa0 The woman who talks to plants, drinks wine and considers spring rolls as a major food group.
I tell myself that I’m free, a hedonistic hater of all things responsible.xa0 I’ve done myself proud in not getting married and having kids, I just didn’t want to go to that party!xa0However here she is, a type of child, four legged, furry and vulnerable who needs me in order to stay alive!xa0 I can’t handle this!xa0 Or can I?
The part of me that needed healed, was the part of me that was convinced that I was unlovable and in turn incapable of loving anyone else.
But I’m doing it, I’m keeping her alive and she seems happy.xa0 Could this mean that I’m actually better at this adult thing than I realise?xa0I phone the vets and register her details proudly. ‘I named her after my hero Patti Smith’ I tell the bemused receptionist.
xa0I collect her flea treatments, I buy her the best foods, I create viewing galleries in the house so she has the best vantage points of the great outdoors, I allow her to shred my sofa and spin my favourite rug into strange new shapes on the living room floor.
She relaxes further and further into domestic bliss with her new human slave.xa0She happy paws and purrs and the slow heart melting blinks continue.xa0 I’ve made a terrified creature safe and happy.xa0 Suddenly all insecurities and fears vanish and I feel like a hero, kind of.
One day a few weeks ago in the first warm days of summer, I observed her in the garden amongst the flowers.xa0 Lying on her back with her legs in the air and her eyes closed, she was the happiest most relaxed living anything that I have ever seen.
I realise that I have played a part in that and in not giving up, in being patient she has taught me a huge lesson in human nature.
There are parts to all of us that need healed and sometimes that healing comes in the most unexpected of ways. For me it came in the shape of a cat.
