The boundary line – a blog by Helen Hastings
Boundaries are a beautiful thing and it is time we got more comfortable with setting them.
You know those big leylandii trees that everyone used to think were a great idea? writes Helen Hastings.
Nothing in the history of land disputes has ever caused such consternation amongst neighbours as trees! Tiny cute little baby trees that suddenly explode over the years into huge monstrous walls of foliage! They cause all kinds of issues.
First of all, they’re terrible if you want to get a tan as they usually block any sun and create a virtual nightscape in an area of your garden that was once upon a time a suntrap. Also, for the nosy neighbours they create a horrific block in the network of all those ‘auld bags’ who have nothing better to do than spy on their neighbours.
Other people quite like them. They create a fortress, bold and green that towers over their home protecting their privacy and making them feel gloriously isolated from the rest of the world and all the ‘peopliness’ that goes on out there.
Some people will happily live in their darkened garden world of boundary trees without ever questioning their preferences. The taller and bushier the trees, the happier they are!
But boundaries aren’t just for foliage enthusiasts and some of you out there are well overdue a review of your personal and emotional boundary lines. It’s time to make like a tree and start growing (and I don’t care how much it might annoy your neighbours)
Think of your boundaries as a personal rule book. This rule book is written by you and for you, it’s not available in libraries or bookshops, instead it exists only in your heart and mind.
The boundary book works hand in hand (quite spectacularly so in fact) with your gut instincts. If something feels wrong about something or someone then it’s time to acknowledge your intuition and set a boundary.
Sometimes we can feel pressured by people and situations around us and it’s not easy to be heard when we need to express discomfort. Guilt plays a big part as we often feel we need to be stepping up and saying yes to friends, family and colleagues when sometimes, we should be saying a very firm NO!
We feel emotionally obligated to support the ones we love but supporting and validating our own emotional well being is just important. We can’t be the support if in ourselves we feel unsupported.
A boundary can be needed in so many different places and aspects of our lives: friendships circles, family, the work place, our communities, relationships and even on the street with complete strangers and it can take many forms. Below I have itemised different ways we can use boundaries in our lives.
- Online
Have you ever changed your settings on social media accounts so only certain people can see your personal information?
Congratulations you have set a boundary. What about when you take someone off your friends list because their content became offensive and upsetting to you? Yep, you set another one!
What about dating apps? Don’t be afraid to be frugal with personal information. Red flag anyone who pushes you for information you don’t feel comfortable sharing and set that boundary!
If someone can’t take a polite hint that you don’t want to share your address, height, bank details or bra size, then it’s time to kick them into the stratospheric online ether! Remember, a decent person recognises and acknowledges a boundary and will have no problem in respecting it.
- The workplace
We’ve all been there with that colleague who breathes down our necks and makes the office feel like the most suffocating place in the world to be.
We all have someone who we might not always see eye to eye with in work, it’s a part of life really and largely unavoidable.
However, if workplace relationships are really out of synch, it can cause depression and anxiety. If colleagues are really getting you down and the drive to work fills you with dread then it’s time to ask the question: Am I dealing with a difficult colleague or a workplace bully?
If it’s the latter, then it’s time to set boundaries by standing up for yourself and being heard. Approach a manager or colleague you trust and seek their support and advice, if you’re in a union it’s time to lift the phone and speak to your representative.
It could even be solved by asserting yourself in a polite but firm manner. Once certain individuals realise, you’re not as soft as they thought, you would be surprised how quickly they can back down.
But if time progresses and there is still no support for you or change in peoples’ behaviours then it’s time to shout a little louder. Go to that higher manager or maybe even seek legal advice. Your role is important and you are entitled to feel safe in the workplace.
- Family
Blood is thicker than water, right? Well not always.
A friend of mine who went through a traumatic time at the hands of her family once said ‘A toxic person is a toxic person, whether they’re related to you shouldn’t matter’ and I agree. But it’s easier said than put into practice.
As a general rule we all love our families even though they can be difficult and messed up at times. We can normally try to rise above annoying habits and the various falling outs and tiffs that take place in the normal run of family life, but when certain behaviours go above and beyond what is acceptable then we have to think again.
If a family member repeatedly harms you with their comments and actions and accuses you of ‘not being able to take a joke’ when you voice your distaste then it’s time to take some serious boundary action. Can you distance yourself from this person?
If you don’t live with them or have any care duties with them then it should be an easier task. You can maybe try limiting visits to their home or have an excuse ready when they unexpectedly ‘pop in’ for an unscheduled coffee. (And remember there’s always the option of hiding behind the sofa)
But what if it’s not so easy? If you live with a person who is making life difficult on a daily basis then you’re emotional and mental health could be in serious danger.
It’s time to asses the behaviours and get the help you need. Whether it’s approaching older relatives and alerting them to what’s going on or maybe the more serious approach of consulting a social worker, don’t suffer in silence. You are important and your voice is worthy and deserves to be heard. Don’t let the word ‘family’ confuse you. Abuse is abuse.
- In public settings
Not so very long ago I was standing outside a venue in a busy city setting. I was getting some air and enjoying a coffee before going back inside for the event I was attending.
Along the street came a man and his friend out for the night and having themselves a good time, though they had very obviously been hitting the beer/white spirit long before they had actually left their pad.
HELLOOOOOOO’ one of guys screamed at me with his arms outstretched, ‘HELLOOOOOOOO’.
I have never heard a more aggressive ‘Hello’ in all my life and as I was standing on my own the greeting was a tad embarrassing and also a little unnerving.
I didn’t like it, no matter how jovial the greeting was implied he was still a man on a street screaming at a woman standing on her own and minding her own business.
I decided against replying, turned and got myself safely back inside the building before the interaction could go any further. Some people may have felt pressured into ‘being polite’ and had responded in kind. Me? I decided in that moment that being polite is sometimes overrated.
Never feel the need to override your feelings of discomfort. Your feelings are your own and they are not for others to validate.
If you feel a discomfort with the way a complete stranger is behaving on the street/in a shop/in a bar/public library etc then please don’t question it.
Some people sadly have little understanding of the appropriate ways in which to interact with strangers and its up to us to act accordingly in order to protect ourselves.
I hope these four examples will shed some light on boundaries and the various ways in which they can play a part in your life. Remember though that not all people will understand and sometimes you may even find someone close to you disagreeing with your views.
Sadly, in order to live our lives as authentically as possible we often have to go against the views and opinions of those closest to us. It’s one of the harder lessons we learn in life.
Lady Judgement can drive a hard bargain and tragically leaves quite a lot of friendships in her wake. But you are important and worth protecting even if certain people don’t think so.
I think we should all go on a big metaphysical tree planting rampage!
Let’s plant our trees at the base of our lives and watch them grow tall and proud, sheltering us and the people we love while eclipsing the less respectful and leaving them in the dark.
Love yourself and love your rules!
